A hero to save my life
by dorina16able
Summary: Coming to the brink of death makes people see things clearer. After Jean and Sasha experience that, they open up to each other about what gave them the strength to stay alive.


**A/N: Helloooo, my friends, how are you doing? Here we are again, another one-shot with our favorite ship, hope you guys enjoy it and, as always, feel free to tell me any story requests you may have ;)  
**

 **There are SPOILERS for manga chapters 59 and 83 (seriously, Sasha and Jean really scared the living daylights out of me in these chapters).**

 **The title is a verse from the song "Hero" by Skillet, I really think this song suits to the entire Survey Corps.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own the Attack on Titan universe and characters in any way.**

 ** _"_** ** _I was seriously afraid of using my own two hands to kill other people…But I was the wrong one. Next time, I will shoot."_**

"It shouldn't embarrass you, you know. That fear of yours to kill other people. It's completely normal."

Sasha's comment breaks the uncomfortable silence that's lingered between her and Jean for the past hour, making the young boy turn startled towards her. It's pretty much the first thing Sasha has said since today's attack and it's totally not what he expected to hear. That assurance that he's right is something he never thought he'd hear from the Potato Girl, who challenges him in every way whenever she can, whether it's a cooking competition or a goodhearted joke about his broodiness and his fear of leadership.

But the Sasha who's standing next to him right now, outside the barn that serves as a shelter, is a Sasha melancholic and serious that makes her look much older, not the smiling and optimistic Sasha he's grown used to. Not that Jean can blame her, of course, because today's ordeal, Armin shooting that Military Police girl to save his life and the blond's shock afterwards has turned everyone sullen, something that not even Levi's encouraging words can mend.

 _The first blood we spill_ , Jean thinks and a shudder runs down his spine. _Today we lost our innocence…we grew up and not in a good way._

"What I said to Levi was true," he answers now and looks in front of him again, not wanting to meet her gaze because ever since he stepped out of the barn to keep watch with her she didn't judge him or tell him what a coward he is; she had simply nodded at him and then stayed silent until now. "Next time I'm gonna shoot, I won't let anyone else carry the burden for me again. So don't tell me that it's normal—"

"Pulling the trigger because circumstances force you to and actually enjoying it are two completely different things, Jean." Sasha interrupts him, her voice steady to make her point clear. "And this fear to stain your hands with blood is what makes _you_ different from all those bastards who are after us based on false accusations…who have probably been after the Scouts for years and were only waiting for a chance to hunt us down!"

"But that Military Police girl, she…she hesitated…and now Armin…"

"I'm not saying that this specific Military Police girl was actually a bad person and that she totally deserved it! But sooner or later we'll face people who won't hesitate to shoot us instantly…people who'll be _happy_ to see us dead! And you said it yourself, next time we're gonna be forced to shoot to save ourselves and our friends!"

"I know, damn you, I know! I won't bloody hesitate next time and I won't stand idly while a friend of mine is in danger! Doesn't mean I like it, though…this your-death-is-my-life mess!"

Sasha leaves a small gasp at Jean's raised voice and the way he's clenched his right hand in a tight fist, like he does every time he's stressed. A few years ago she would have backed away at the sight of him being so angry, she would have given him space and talked to him again when he'd been calmer. Now, though, she understands that Jean's not truly angry…that this is his guilt speaking…his fear of almost dying today…and the horror of the prospect to kill someone in the future.

"Good!" she therefore says, her voice now almost becoming strict, making Jean lock eyes with her once more, surprised by her answer. "That means you still have your humanity…that strength of character everyone respects you for. No, no, no, don't you scoff at me, Jean Kirstein, you know I'm right!" she quickly adds when she notices his ironic expression, sensing that he's ready to disagree. "And, anyway, even if you _do_ feel weak…it's normal, Jean, trust me, sometimes we all need a hero to save us during difficult times...someone to lean on for support."

She mentally wonders how they've reached this point…how they turned from innocent and combative cadets to soldiers who had to toughen up in order to deal with the harsh reality. And she's looking at Jean and she also wonders how much he's changed…how strong he's gotten, from a scared boy who dreamed about Wall Sina to a brave Scout who carries everyone's burden and who never backs down no matter how terrified he is. She even dares to admit it, as she's been watching his development ever since Marco's death and them joining the Scouts, he was a hero in her young eyes, a strong presence to give her faith to move on.

 _To think you could've died today…how the hell would we have coped with your loss, huh? And instead of taking your time to try and calm down, you only worry about the weight Armin's carrying...if that's not brave and selfless, what is?_ She thinks and once more bitter tears fill her hazel eyes…although she stops them from running down her face because if Jean sees her crying right now all attempts at comforting him will be in vain.

"Such words sound nice in this hell. But heroes don't exist, Sasha, and if they did I wouldn't be one of them." Jean comments, his voice now having a quiet, blank tone instead of the dynamic one it had a few seconds ago.

He wants to believe her…oh how badly he wants to believe her…to lean on her and let go of everything. He knows that Sasha will allow him to, without making fun of him, because Sasha is all kindness and encouraging smiles and pretty much a light among the Survey Corps, like a beacon everyone needs to stay grounded in this dark world.

And how can Sasha convince him that he's wrong after everything they've lived, after questioning their very own purpose as soldiers, after having moments of rage because this isn't what they enlisted to the Scouts for? Not that he _is_ wrong, to be honest, after all none of them sees themselves as heroes. Because when you don't know whether you'll be alive tomorrow, when you have doubts about everything, when you're a child that has seen enough horrors for a lifetime, words about heroes are nothing more than empty consolations.

And God knows how Jean hates empty consolations.

Tonight, after coming so close to dying, after seeing a comrade killing someone else to protect him, every bit of faith Jean's built in the regiment's cause is shattering into pieces.

"You know, I've heard countless times that when you're on the brink of death you see your whole life flashing in front of your eyes. Thought they were a bunch of blockheads back then…turns out they were right, though." Jean breaks the silence, still with that quiet voice, and Sasha can't help but wonder if Jean has any bit of faith left _at all_ …they may be on good terms now, but they've never opened up to each other like that…it's as if today's ordeal and everything she heard him saying to Captain Levi has led to a new level of communication between them. "But can you guess what prevailed in my mind when I thought I was gone?"

"Hmm…a happy memory of your childhood, perhaps?" Sasha puts aside her questions for the moment, seeing that Jean really needs to have this conversation. It's the first thing that comes in mind, knowing how much Jean adores his mum and how happily he grew up under her care. "Or…Or maybe…something Marco told you?" she makes another guess, ignoring how her voice trembles at the mention of her poor freckled friend who was always kind to her and whose death had such a life-altering impact on the boy next to her.

"I _did_ have flashes of such memories, you're right…but a few seconds before…before Armin shot…nah, forget it, it's stupid, anyway!"

"Now _you're_ being stupid, Jean! You started a sentence, come on, finish it!"

"You're gonna laugh!"

"Jean!" now it's Sasha's turn to raise her voice and the half-angry half-desperate exclamation should be enough to wake their sleeping friends. "Do you seriously think that after everything I'm gonna laugh at you over something like that…something that…" She can't complete her sentence, though, only now fully comprehending what she was about to say. It doesn't matter, though, because the end of the sentence lingers between them anyway, eating them up and clouding their minds.

 _Something that could've been your last memory…your last seconds in this life._

"Okay, okay…Who knows, maybe you're the only one who'll actually understand." Jean gives in, persuaded by her determined voice and how genuinely hurt she looks, as if his cautiousness about her laughing at him is a personal offense. "It was our cook-off."

Out of all possible answers, this one didn't even rank in the top ten for the brunet girl, who musters all her self-control in order not to gasp loudly or do something else that will break her promise not to laugh at him. She can't stop the soft blush from painting her cheeks, though…true, that cook-off had started as a way to prove themselves to the other and had been the very first step in their friendship…but for Jean to see it in what could have been his last moments…

"It was probably one of the most innocent and amusing moments we had in the military, when you think about it." Jean elaborates, relieved when he sees her maintaining her serious expression and giving him her attention. "Pixis dropping the idea while being drunk…I wanted to dismiss it, you remember? But then the way you challenged me…your determination to go through it…it was probably one of the very few times I had the chance to do something without the fear of getting a bad grade…and without the constant dilemmas about the war and the Titans and how all of us would become Titan lunch. And it…it had given me strength back then…and I'm kinda sad that…that the innocent times of cook-off challenges are over."

Now Sasha can't escape the few tears that escape her eyes and she doesn't even bother to wipe them away, overwhelmed by a whirlwind of emotions: despair for everything they could have lost, relief that Jean is still with them and something else she can't define…to think that this memory actually helped him gain some strength while having a Military Police girl aiming her gun at him…and he's so right, everything was so innocent back then, as if they didn't live in a world plagued by monsters and death and war. They had both turned a stupid cook-off into a personal challenge…she had even burst in tears after losing…and then he had taken her hand, consoled her and made her see him under a whole new light.

"I'll challenge you as many times as you want, Jean, and I don't freaking care that these innocent times are over! Whenever you feel the world's burden on you, whenever you need a hero to save you in time, I'll be here to challenge you to get a grip and continue fighting like the soldier you are!" she promises, small hiccups and sobs interrupting her words every now and then, but, judging Jean's surprised and grateful gaze, he gets the message. "Because you're our leader and if you had been lost today you'd have left a huge void behind you!"

As if her words aren't enough, Sasha engulfs him in a tight hug at the next moment, wrapping her arms around his neck and resting her chin on his shoulder as her sobs become even more violent, an expression of everything she's suppressed until now in order to be useful. Only then does the horror of today's events weigh down on Jean…as if he's only realizing how close to death he actually came today…and he's not prepared for the violent shudders running down his spine.

He could have died…if it weren't for Armin and his quick reflexes right now he wouldn't exist anymore…leaving behind a void for his comrades…for his poor mother who would mourn him forever…and now he has a sobbing girl in his arms who has just admitted how scared she was for him…scared of seeing him killed in front of her eyes.

 _God, how much more guilt and emotional pain before we all break down?_

Wanting to give Sasha some sort of comfort, he hesitantly lifts one hand and places it on her back, giving it a few awkward pats before moving his hand in circles in what he hopes is a gentle and soothing movement. He takes one of her hands with his free one, tenderly squeezing it, in a gesture he hasn't made since that very same cooking challenge, when he had seen her slumped on the ground, crying her eyes out, and he had spontaneously comforted her with no hint of arrogance despite the fact that he had won…because he had realized back then that neither the cook-off itself nor his victory could truly determine their value. In fact, seeing her accepting his hand, apologizing with that cute voice of hers and allowing him to help her stand up had felt oddly heartwarming, like they could move on as allies and friends.

"Hey…Please, Potato Girl, don't cry…Shhh…I'm so sorry…" he now whispers in her ear, trying to calm her down and ease his own shaking at the same time.

"Scare us like that again and you'll really feel sorry, you jerk," she whispers back, having found some of her sarcasm back, and he actually chuckles gently at her comment.

Heroes may not exist, but as he forgets everything for the moment, as she sobs and he shakes, he actually starts finding his faith back…and now he's more determined than ever to fight for everything that's right.

* * *

 ** _"_** ** _It's alright. Even if you're weak, there'll be people who come to your rescue. Maybe you won't meet them right away, but don't give up and keep running until you meet them."_**

Words spoken by a brave and selfless soldier who wanted to encourage the little girl she had just saved; one of the few soldiers to ever survive a Titan attack without a 3D Maneuver Gear, only with the help of a sharp mind, a bow and some arrows.

Jean wasn't there when that occurred, he had just listened as Sasha narrated it to Connie afterwards, the latter patting her on her shoulder and Jean himself smiling proudly for the bravery Potato Girl displayed in this time of need.

And although she didn't use these specific words when she comforted him the day he almost died, he now understands that she had them in mind while she was speaking about heroes and moments of weakness.

Even right now, as she's lying on the roof in Shiganshina, worn out and exhausted due to the injuries she's suffered and with Jean sitting next to her as Connie and Floch keep watch and the others explore Eren's basement, she's not looking weak in Jean's eyes. Quite the contrary, she looks like someone who's been through a lot and who survived one of the fiercest battles the Scouts have ever fought.

He's trying very hard not to think about Commander Erwin, Marlowe and the countless others who didn't make it out alive today. It's just nine of them now, nine left from a military branch that fought as a team for humanity's freedom against all odds. And although nothing is over yet, although no happy outcomes can exist for the Scouts, Jean suppresses this thought as he smiles gently towards Sasha, who's looking at him through clouded eyes.

"Feel so weak…" she mumbles quietly now and coughs twice, her pretty face taking a hurtful expression because of the pain this coughing puts to her chest. "Don't wanna die…not now, dammit, there's…so many things I haven't done yet."

"Shhh…don't talk like that, Sasha! You're not going to die, we won't let you!" Jean quickly takes her hand in his once more, understanding that now it's her who's lost all faith and who needs someone to stand by her side. "You're gonna recover in no time, you hear me? You're gonna recover and make jokes with Connie and challenge me because that's what you do, help all of us. Don't be scared, you…you fought so well today," he concludes and wipes his face with his free hand as the fear packs him; if the unspeakable had happened and Sasha had died, the Scouts would have lost their very own sunshine, the only one who manages to lighten their days together with Connie and their ability to find positive moments even when the whole world has turned to hell.

 _Is that what she felt like that other day? When she cried over the fact that I'd have died if it weren't for Armin?_

"You were right, you know. You and…the other blockheads." Sasha comments and actually manages a small smile, something that fills the boy with hope; if she can still smile, even in this state, then she's much stronger than everyone had thought. "All those memories flashing in front of my eyes…Of Dauper and the forest…of the military…of that night when you decided to join the Recon Corps, you remember?"

"Shhh…Please, don't force yourself to talk. You need to rest, we'll talk about everything."

"No, please, let me. You were devastated because of Marco's passing, you were scared about what would happen…and yet you overcame this fear…don't you understand? _You_ gave us the courage to make the right choice back then."

"Oh, great!" Jean scoffs, his voice coming out much more bitter than he intended. "That means it's my fault that right now you're lying here injured instead of being happy and healthy in Wall Sina…that it's my fault that all of you have so many nightmares instead of enjoying your life in the Military Police."

"And what a life that would be…with all the corrupted and murderous jerks there," the Potato Girl smiles ironically and now she is the one who squeezes their joined hands, making Jean shiver and feel like there's a source of warmth in the confusion he's experiencing right now. "Don't think about it like that, nothing's your fault…we needed a life-line back then, someone strong who was scared like all of us…someone who could show us that we needed to put our fears aside and fight!"

Jean can't handle this right now, it's beyond him and he squeezes Sasha's hand even harder to stay grounded in this mess. Even injured, even in this state of recovery, Sasha is still trying to calm him down and assure him that he's strong, pretty much like Marco used to do, who always said that his strength lay in his knowledge about what it means to be weak.

His hand travels to the back of her head, gently holding her as his lips tenderly brush her warm forehead in an attempt to soothe her and thank her for her kindness. The next moment, though, Sasha moves her head and now their lips are meeting in a kiss soft and bittersweet and sad, a quiet promise that they are alive and that they will stand by each others' side in everything that's going to follow…that they'll honor all these brave soldiers who got lost today.

"You're a true hero, you know that?" Jean whispers, his head falling on her shoulder to feel her heartbeat under his ear, frantic and vibrant like the fighting Sasha's putting to stay alive and get well. "Have to go and terrify us all, eh?" he adds in a stupid try to joke and give her some sort of calmness, using her own humor to tease her, although he's perfectly serious; she really scared all of them and everyone was relieved when she woke up.

"Consider it payback." Sasha replies and chuckles softly, her own hand landing on his undercut and playing with the hair there in a calming gesture, sensing Jean's fear in the way he's hugging her.

"Come on, now, go back to sleep, you need it. I'll be here when you'll wake up, okay?"

* * *

"I'm glad you guys have each other." Connie smiles at Jean a few minutes later, when he joins them to see how they are and finds his best friend sleeping cuddled by Jean's side, with the boy playing with her hair. "It's like you're the hero the other needs to rely on."

Jean may not give him a verbal answer, but the way he pats Connie's shoulder speaks clearly enough, saying that all of them are heroes and that after all these hardships they all have each other.

* * *

 **A/N: Ooookay, everyone, another one-shot has come to an end, hope you liked it :D Stay tuned for more and I'm also open to your requests ;) Love you all!**


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